Warning: May contain traces (or an abundant amount) of blatant lies. Reader discretion is advised.
The up-front answer to the question above is: I don’t know.
The night before last night I had a dream. In the dream, I was about to graduate from high school. I was riding on a yellow school bus. I was actually happy and looking forward to something as I was riding on the bus. And then the scene suddenly changed and I felt I had gone to the graduation ball; almost immediately the scene changed back to the yellow school bus. Something really weird happened in the middle of the ride: a bunch of guys, armed with baseball bat and still in their highschool uniform, tried to rush in from the rear end of the bus. I somehow managed to grab the first guy’s baseball bat and swinged it at him. I was aiming for his chest but the hit somehow landed on his forehead. For some reason, the hit didn’t break his skull; he only got a scratch. I don’t know what happened afterwards but the invasion seemed to have died off. I was hoping the bus ride would never end and then I spotted this girl who was about to get off the bus. I felt like I knew her and rushed to the front of the bus to ask her for her phone number. She promptly gave me her number and then disappeared. I don’t remember exactly if the dream stopped here or if the bus ride continued on indefinitely.
And then I woke up.
It was time for breakfast so I fumbled my way down the stairs. I looked down on the floor the whole time. At the dining table, mom asked why I’m frowning all the time. And then my dad put in the remark that “nephews resemble their uncles” and that I’m like my eldest uncle (the head of our family business), who frowns all the time and brings down the morale of everybody working around him. Dad said I should not be like him if I want to become a leader. I didn’t know what to say, so I remained quiet and avoided eye contact, as always. And then my parents drove me to the Autoparc (read “bus terminal”), and mom said I should show up more often instead of locking myself in my room, since dad is here on Chinese New Year vacation. (Note to the reader: my dad works in Hong Kong.) Then my dad said that it’s not about whether I lock myself in my room, but rather that it’s about me not telling them anything when things go wrong. Dad proceeded to remark that I seemed to have lost the self-confidence that I had in highschool. During the whole ride I was just looking blankly down at the asphalt road through the side window. What confidence? Stop saying shit about things you don’t know, old man.
As I got out of the car, I could feel the tears at my eyes. I was suddenly reminded, once again, that I have been hating my life ever since the end of highschool. I had to hold my tears back, particularly since I bumped into people I know on the bus. I remained silent during the ride. The story of the day is over at this point. I had nothing to look forward to, and as I expected, nothing special happened, just like every damn day. I went to class and went back home, and proceeded to lock myself in my room like I do everyday.
Now, it’s time to respond to questions and propositions that my friends have posed in the past few weeks, the things that I never responded to on the spot because I simply could not:
Question 1, at Les Deux Pierrots
Chris: “K, talk to her.”
Answer: Talk about what? I have nothing to talk about. Do you want me to just go through the standard routine of “Hey, what’s up,” “how was work,” etc? I have nothing interesting to talk about and I can’t tell what is interesting about other people anymore. The fact that I have ADD doesn’t help either.
Question 2, at McKibbin’s
Kat: “K, why are you so quiet?”
Answer: Pretty much the same as above. Unlike you, Danny, and Matt, I have nothing to say that may interest anybody at the table. I assure you that you don’t want to hear me talk about how Apache Tomcat is troublesome, or how ridiculous the Windows set-up is at Concordia. In fact, the reason I drink beer even though I say I don’t like drinking is because I need a means to keep myself quiet, otherwise I would start talking about things that would bore the hell out of you.
Question 3, at Second Cup
Danny: “K, you should try to go out more, even on your own. Try going to a coffee shop to study instead of staying home.”
Answer: Wonderful suggestion, but my parents want me home.
Question 4, unknown place
Chris: “K, how can you not know about <such and such> series/singer/band?”
Answer: I don’t watch television here. My mom doesn’t understand oral English or French well enough to enjoy it. In fact, even I don’t understand half of what they say on television, though I look like I can speak English and French fluently. I watch Japanese drama and anime instead because they have subtitles that are actually large enough for mom to read. Watching Japanese drama and anime led me to listen to Japanese music instead of English and French, and that’s why I don’t know music around here in Montreal.
Question 5, follow up on Question 4
“Why don’t you watch Hong Kong television instead?”
Answer: Hong Kong television and music in the recent years is pure crap. The acting is bad, the themes are unoriginal, and we have bad composers, bad singers, and bad lyricists.